Sometimes you just gotta slow down and read a book….

May 20, 2012 at 7:50 pm 7 comments

or a magazine, with lots of pictures and stuff.

Sleeping through my first trip to the zoo. I saw nothin’.

I hate to read almost as much as I hate to sit still; I guess they both go hand in hand. Contrary to popular belief, I do actually know how to read, it’s just that I don’t see the point when instead I can wait for someone else (Dane) to invest the time (heck, he is going to do it anyway, Engineer thing I guess) and then give me the “Cliff Notes” version. This then frees me up to do much more productive things like update my status on Facebook and/or watch my new favorite TV show (which has since been canceled ☹) the “GCB”. I lovingly like to refer to him (Dane) as my secretary. Did I mention that he goes so far as to use a highlighter and sticky notes when he reads? Who does that?!? Opposites attract I guess.

Anyway, just like with yoga, I like the “lifestyle” associated with reading. I admit that nothing seems better than curling up next to the fire with a big orange cat and a good book but alas we don’t have a fireplace and I am allergic to cats. (I also have an aversion to the color orange). In my lifetime I have joined many a book club in an attempt to cultivate said “lifestyle” but have subsequently quit them all once I find out that the people there actually do read and that the material involved usually had more words than pictures. Yuck.

In summary, I can count on one hand the number of books I have read in my life (4), all classics though, totally.

Motherhood has changed me though. Now that I’m a mom, I have determined that I need to start acting more like a role model and less like the hard-partying, scantily clad booze-hound of yesteryear. I thought I had a few more years of literary freedom but just the other week I learned that this was definitely not the case. Apparently, according to “the Google”, (who is probably in cahoots with some kids’ publishing company or something) on top of all the other selfless things I am supposed to do for my little bundle of joy, I am also supposed to read to him. Often. It’s like adding insult to injury.

And so it was, last Wednesday, that I found myself once again, forced to “sit still” in a spit-up stained rocking chair (good thing it was on sale) with my, um, only slightly fussy baby, reading. What was I reading you ask? Some exceedingly crappy baby book with no plot, no love interest, no celebrity gossip, no murder-for-hire and a really bad illustration of a monkey.

“I love you more…. than the ocean is blue.”
“I love you more…. than the sun is bright”.
“I love you more…. than a leaf is green”.
“I love you more…. blah, blah, blah.

Are these things even true? Isn’t the ocean just a reflection of the sky? And isn’t a leaf only as green as the amount of Chlorophyll utilized during its own photosynthesis? It’s no wonder U.S. teenagers are now ranked 33rd , in the world as far as their educational levels. That’s below Poland and Liechtenstein. No offense to either but wasn’t Poland the origin of the “Polish Joke”? And Liechtenstein? Where the hell is Liechtenstein?!?

While the aforementioned book might have been scientifically misleading, other books, such as the critically acclaimed “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” (thank you, Abby) make you wonder what the author was smoking when they wrote it. This one follows a Moose on his journey to find some blackberry jam to spread on his muffin. Hilarity ensues as the moose sews a sweater, crafts a sock puppet and dresses up like a ghost; none of which have anything to do with muffins, or mooses (meese?) for all I can tell. Honestly someone, somewhere is collecting royalties off all this s***. I clearly missed my calling; even an “illiterate” like myself could have done better than all these so-called authors.

I hope my reading of “adult material” isn’t rubbing off on him. I had to edit this shot.

And so, that is why I have decided to take matters into my own hands. No, not by writing my own children’s book (although it would have been pretty sweet), but instead by becoming one of those renegade moms who throws caution to the wind and lets her “tummy sleeping”, “pillow using” baby, get a jump start on all his peers by reading something much more, eh, enlightening, like “Cosmo”. In the last week, Rex and I have learned how to “Wow Him Every Single Time!”, “A New Way to Color Your Hair That Won’t Stain Your Tub” and how to mix “Yummy Cocktails That Won’t Pack on the LBs!”. Rex has also learned which “Designers” work best to flatter his particular figure, although I’m a little frustrated with that particular article because we followed the advice and bought him a “Ralph Lauren” onesie in “3 mos” which he could barely squeeze over his little hips. I think that it is kinda sad the complex they are giving the kids these days, next thing you know they’ll be airbrushing the baby acne right off their little faces. Disgraceful.

I may or may not also be reading Rex “50 Shades of Grey”.

Basically I figure that Rex doesn’t really care what I am reading to him as long as I am the one doing the reading. At least this way, we both win.

“And SO (Rex), it was right then and there (pause, smile), that the man (add some cutesy inflection) asked the woooo-MAN, to join him in his hotel room.”

Second bath, EVER.

Aside from our lesson in reading and a few things that we picked up this past week from “The Happiest Baby on the Block” I would say we are definitely starting to master this whole parent thing. (Granted we thought we were making progress on “sleeping through the night” with three consecutive nights of four-hour stretches, but that has since gone by the wayside.) Rex is doing well as far as weight gain at home, weighing in at well over 9lbs now but unfortunately this past week has started to show signs of Congestive Heart Failure. As a result we have Open Heart Surgery scheduled for him on the morning of May 31st. I like to live my life in denial so I’ll start processing the magnitude of all this on or about May 30th at midnight, stay tuned for that blog post!

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Entry filed under: Rex. Tags: .

If only I’d bought futures in batteries a long time ago… The Magical Healing Powers Of The Elusive Orange Binky

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Meghan Thompson  |  May 21, 2012 at 5:50 am

    You are hilarious! 50 Shades of Grey… haha! I started out like that, but am back to Dr. Seuss and wondering if it’s too early for Harry Potter… 🙂

    Reply
  • 2. Meghan Thompson  |  May 21, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Dear Rex, Stay strong and sail through the heart surgery like it’s a See Spot Run book. You can do it – you’re my hero! 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. Sarah S @RunningOnWords  |  May 21, 2012 at 9:17 am

    I have actually been to Liechtenstein. It is basically a street. I’ve been reading C my books too because baby books SUUUCK.

    Reply
  • 4. Deb antl  |  May 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Angela you totally crack up…just when I thought you couldn’t outdo the batteries I read this. Hehe…I wish you, Rex, nd your hubby the best of luck next week..I hear reading people especially the articles related to the Kim, Chloe, and Courtney is very helpful for recovery after surgery! Good luck!

    Reply
  • 5. Gia Lyons  |  May 22, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Too funny! Does Rex prefer OK! or People? And how did you describe the “Red Room of Pain” to him? 😉 We’ll have you all in our thoughts and prayers on May 31, lady.

    Reply
  • 6. John Healy  |  May 23, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Angela, I loved to read this post. So damn funny and enlightening. Definitely inspired by your sense of humor and Rex’s fight. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Reply
  • 7. Amy and Josh Thompson  |  May 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Awesome! I love the variety of material you are reading to him. Praying for you guys as you gear up for surgery…. we know Rex will do great!

    Reply

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